I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
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