can u get pink eye on your cock?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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