brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
