i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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