are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
