I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
