Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
You ruined the universe
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
