Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
