Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
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