Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
