we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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