Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i think i scared a bird with my dick
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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