do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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