I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
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I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
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This is my gift to your gina
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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