You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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