he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
is wine microwaveable?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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