Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
