Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
