I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
If I die, sorry about rent.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
