my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
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