So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
