i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
