Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
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Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
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