Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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