Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
