He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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