My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Text me some of your sweat
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
