when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
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The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
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I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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