Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
