can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
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im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
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We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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