The maid of honor just puked.
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
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