I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
