I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
