It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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