i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
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