people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize
