i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
