She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
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