I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
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Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
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that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize