I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
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When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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