You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
