Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
