If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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