I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
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We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
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Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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