I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
This baby is an asshole
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Randomize
