can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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