The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
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you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
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DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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