You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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