So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
She bit a glass in half.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
