note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
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