I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
