just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
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