Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
When are your genitals available?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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