Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
